Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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