My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
two words...techno handjob
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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