is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
