Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
