I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
