I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize