I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
