shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I want to make a zoo with you.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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