i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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