in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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