i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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