My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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