My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he thought i was a dude.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
