I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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