when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
