How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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