Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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