somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
