Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
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He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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