im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
