I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
