Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
