He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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