When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
