Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
