I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
