we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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