after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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