Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
