i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sext me about skeletons
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
