tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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