Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
They took my balls.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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