I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize