the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
