WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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