Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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