Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
