Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
