Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
