I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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