apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
