just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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