Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize