Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
