My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
