I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
