Don't make out with my wife yet
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
