dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
