at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
