Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
