Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i will never coherently bang her
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
