It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
