You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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