I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I look better un-naked...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize