We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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