I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
